She Wasn’t My Plan, but She Was His.

As Mother’s Day is approaching I thought long and hard about this post. This post is raw and I ask that you give me grace if you do not understand the honesty I bring you with my words.

Motherhood scared me to the core. There are many times I look at her and wonder what I ever did to deserve her. Sometimes I think back to the early stages of my pregnancy and a very large lump gathers in my throat  because I was so lost. I had no clue who I was. There were many times when I voiced my fear about being “mom” that people looked at me a little strange, which made me feel even more so that something was truly wrong with me.

Let’s face it, if you’re a woman, motherhood is just something that’s supposed to come naturally to you. But it didn’t for me.

I can remember being six months pregnant sitting in my bed sobbing to my husband because I was terrified. I was completely disconnected from my pregnancy. I was terrified to be a mom, and through the tears I managed to get out that I wasn’t sure I’d be a good one.

Emelia entered the world with a dramatic entrance on June 29, 2013 and my life was forever changed. When I say I had to hit rock bottom before I could see in retrospect God’s plan that’s not an exaggeration. As I struggled with depression through my pregnancy it exploded after giving birth.

As I look back now it’s so clear. As I look back now, while in the complete dark at the time, I can see a light poking through. I can see God’s plan. I can see His lesson(s). I can see His gifts. His teachings. I can see Him so vividly, I can see all of those things when I look at her.

My greatest fear has turned out to be one of the greatest lessons of my life. The greatest gift of my life. She is exactly where I see Jesus. Where I ran to Him. Where I was found. Where I received grace. Where I received forgiveness. Where the rest of this life just makes sense.

She is truly the most beautiful human being I am so undeserving of.

When I look at her I see kindness, compassion, and a heart so lovely that it could only have been made that way by my Heavenly Father who knitted her together.

She is in many ways my opposite but in so many my mini. She has dusted pink and purple glitter all over my life and leaves me sticker reminders everywhere I turn in this neutral loving zone I try my best to live in.

She has shown me that life isn’t black and white. In fact, it’s in those unknown grey areas where you will see true beauty beyond your imagination.

She is my best friend. The light of my life. The best thing that has ever happened to me. She saved me and I will spend the rest of my life thanking God for her and devoting myself to being the best mom I can be for her.

She wasn’t my plan. But she was His. I see it so clearly now. I see His beautiful plan unfold in her every day of my life.

We plan, God laughs.

His plans are far greater than our wildest dreams.

My sweet, Emelia Brynn, I love you so.

Thank you for making me Mama.


She Wasn’t My Plan, but She Was His.

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